You meet someone, fall in love, and eventually decide you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. The thing is, the wedding is only the very beginning of an entire life of challenges, joys, triumphs and bumps in the road ahead. You and your partner will fight and laugh and feel relaxed and feel stressed; all of these things make up the ups and downs of the rollercoaster that is marriage.
It’s always easy to acknowledge a relationship that is working, happy, easy and relaxed. It’s easy to embrace someone in your life who can put their arms around you and with whom you simply feel emotionally solid.

But how do you know if your spouse is self-destructing?

What do you do if you begin to notice your spouse is just not the same as the person you married?  What if they are drinking excessively or turning to other vices to support themselves through every day?

Typically you were not prepared for how to handle it when your beloved seems to be falling apart. No one teaches you how to cope when you notice that your partner refuses to get out of bed, is overly emotional or refusing to eat. It’s something that isn’t talked about enough, and while there are services like to help support someone with an addiction, you need to be able to recognize the signs of self-destruction first, so that you know where to look for help. Below, we’ve got some of the most common habits of those who are displaying behaviour that is common in self-destruction:

Increasingly Melancholy Mindset

When someone persistently seems to think they are a failure, it’s something that they end up whole-heartedly believing because their mind told them so. It’s not the truth, but it’s something that can actually result in a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s the reason that counseling is so recommended, because talking through these thoughts can help someone to realise that these thoughts are just that: thoughts.

Doing Nothing

It’s more of a passive symptom of self-destruction but recognizing when negative actions are happening and your spouse is choosing to do nothing about them you know this is a very unhealthy sign. This sets your spouse up for failure because they can’t bring themselves to address the issue that really needs action.


When we don’t feel worthy of something in life, we overeat or we under eat. For those who are struggling with feeling any sense of self-worth, it’s common to turn to over-eating, gaining excess weight and creating more evidence of reasons for their self-hatred.. It’s a nasty vicious cycle and this habit of binge-eating sneaks up and can lead to other health issues. Food can be an addiction and when it gets to this point, where comfort is sought in food, it’s difficult to get out of.

Not eating at all

When your spouse feels out of control, choosing to control food intake with deprivation being the result is the other side of self-destruction and feeling unworthy. As above, some people choose to overeat and get bigger, distorting their body and finding comfort in food. Others choose to deprive their body of nourishment, not believing that they deserve to be nourished.

Lashing Out.

You may notice in your marriage the moment that your spouse’s mental health begins to fail when they begin taking their depression out on you by excess blaming, yelling and screaming. Lashing out with words, pushing you away and trying to make you leave them are all common self-destructive behaviors.


Taking something sharp and turning to their own bodies to harm themselves is a very extreme and dangerous reaction of feeling less than they are. It’s a sign of self-hatred and is hard on the body both physically and mentally.


It’s not something that anyone plans, but the self-pity that one feels is self-destructive because it can make the person suffering continue to stay stagnant. It encourages them not to do anything, because after-all they are thinking, “what’s the point?”  Your marriage can suffer with self-pitying behavior, because they don’t believe that they deserve you or your support.

Refusing Your Help.

You can lead a spouse to counseling, but you can’t make them participate. When they push you away and ignore all your urging to get professional help, this clearly indicates self-sabotage which is a form of self-destruction.

How You Can Help. . .

When you are coping with a spouse with mental health issues and self-destruction, you can often feel alone and sad yourself. The best thing that you can do is to understand that you aren’t the one in control.  You can tell them the platitudes and you can beg them to get help for their behavior, but self-destruction is a symptom of something much deeper and much harder to snap out of. The best thing that you can do is offer your love and support but attend to your own self care. You likely will benefit from pursuing your own counseling support because being in relationship with someone who is in a self-destructive cycle creates immense stress for you, the healthier partner.